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"But I am not. But I do not. For me it is not." (Lynnisms 2) - How To Push Yourself Harder in Exercise | Crank101

“But I am not. But I do not. For me it is not.” (Lynnisms 2)

I wrote another post about my ex-wife, Lynn and the incredible sayings she had that were empowering and that guided her reality and helped her live her life in a way that I had never seen anyone do before. Unfortunately I can only remember a couple of the jewels she would say, though maybe with some effort more will come to mind. I hope so!

Here is a link to the previous post, “I am Always the winner, Always, ALWAYS!

When a man and a woman come together as a couple something gets lost. It must. Two people have 2 ways of doing things (at least) and at any one point in time sometimes only one thing can be done by both of them.

If you are traveling with your spouse and you ask, “Would you like to go to dinner at 5 or 6 pm?” The answer you get might not be the one you hoped for – and so you either go with what your spouse wants, ask if your boopy would go at the time you want to go, or, suggest another alternative that might be a compromise for both of you – somewhere in the middle.

For myself I’ve always had a good idea what I want or prefer. I don’t usually have any indecision in knowing what I’d prefer in most situations. All? Possibly! I am very in-touch with what I want or what I’d be OK with doing.

With the girls I’ve dated in the past I’ve found that many times they are not all that sure what they want. They are a bit “wishy-washy” about what they want and so they’re usually fine going with whatever I want to do. I mean REALLY fine with it – as I hate to be leading someone’s life and making so many decisions for both of us if they aren’t decisions that my spouse or partner is entirely OK with. Boy, I hope this doesn’t sound sexist or something!

So, when I started dating “Lynn” I was treated to something that I thought was really awesome about her. She and I generally agreed on small things to do during our day… but there were certain times that she knew what she liked and didn’t like. Sometimes, because we usually agreed, I would forget to ask her specifically if she was OK with doing something… as I assumed it was business as usual and we’d probably agree on what to do.

However, there were just certain things – and none come to mind specifically, but there were things that she wanted to tell me she was not OK with despite my not asking.

When she said what she did, it would always stop me dead because I wasn’t expecting it. Plus the way she said the line was so formally, and gramatically proper that it threw me off a bit too! The things she said, and other, similar things are in the “Title” of this post.

Here’s how it would happen… I’d be talking about doing something in the future… and when I talk, it is like she already knows that I will do this if I don’t hear something different from her…

“I want to go to Tantalus (a mountain) with Christian and his girlfriend to eat at that little park after work on Tuesday because I think it’s a good place to relax at the picnic table and eat some Ahi Poke (A Hawaiian raw tuna with Maui onions, ginger, shoyu (soy sauce), chili water, and other spices) and drink some frozen Thai coconut juice.”

and she’d just say,

“For me, it is not”.

I would always laugh, surprised at the comment because usually to me – I couldn’t see what she could disagree with… but, there were certain things that she knew she liked and didn’t like and she wanted to make sure I knew what they were. Just like I would tell her or anyone that I didn’t enjoy something that they were planning that included my presence, she’d tell me like this.

It was great because then I’d ask her – what she means… and she’d explain more fully…

“You think it’s a good place to relax, but for me, it is not”.

And then we’d get around to why it wasn’t good for her – and we’d change the plans to suit her.

There were so many ways that she could drop these little sayings into our conversation – as many as a few times in a few minutes in some conversations! It was really great that she would do this because I think some wives (or men) would just get angry that the other spouse wasn’t more considerate by asking whether the plan was OK or not. That’s a little bit hard to do, verify every detail to see if the other person is OK with everything. That’s a slow way of doing things and this way is so much better since Lynn was OK with 80% of things, and I knew most things that she’d be OK with already. So, she only had to stop me with these short phrases that showed me that I was being self-focused and she wasn’t in 100% agreement with the plan or the detail. Once she let me know we could work things out so we’d both be happy! That’s what the relationship really needs, yes?

So many times I think one partner controls the relationship. I guess I am the controller as my mother and family tells me I am, and I think it’d be silly to deny it. I usually just plan things and ask others if they’re OK with the plan. If they are great. If they aren’t, great, we’ll change it. I’m not too attached to doing things one way or another – especially if someone really wants to do it a different way. No worries! I’m flexible. I just know what I prefer I guess and others appear not quite as solid about what they want, or, they can’t think as fast about what they want and I’d rather not sit around while everyone tries to decide, I want to make a decision and GO FORWARD! That’s just me – I don’t like idle time so much.

In so many relationships there is a silent partner that just goes along for the ride so to speak. He or she is never OK with everything 100%, but goes along with everything in the interest of keeping the flow going… keeping away from disagreements, confrontations, which might lead to stronger emotions.

For me – I’d never get upset over something like a disagreement in general conversation, but the way that Lynn said the statements she did – with the “I” and the emphasis on the “I” or “me”, it made me see that I was trying to plan the whole deal and she didn’t agree with all of it.

It made me feel a little badly that I hadn’t asked her about every detail and whether she was OK with it. But, it was her “I” statements that were just letting me know – non-confrontationally that something wasn’t OK with her and that she’d rather not do it that way.

It was up to me to hear her objection and talk about a compromise. If I didn’t do that, I might as well date myself – because I could make all the decisions about what me, myself and I are doing everyday.

Not too fun without a partner!

So – I hope that explains it well enough. The emphasis that she used on the words as she said them was priceless… maybe someday call her up to record some sound bytes? Ha!

Best of Life!

Vern

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